Written by Claire O’Reilly of GloMamma
I have always “felt” bigger than everyone around me. I have a picture in my office that I retrieved from my family home. I’m about eight years old in it. When my husband saw it and said “you were such a cute kid”. I said Hmmm… but God I was so overweight. I saw his expression and he was shocked. That’s when I realised that I had been conscious of my weight all my life.
It has taken me a very long time to be able to look at that picture to be able to see the lovely little girl in that photo. Even though “fat” isn’t an emotion, I always felt overweight. I felt that I took up way too much space in the world. I also felt like I was never “enough”. Not pretty enough, not smart enough and always just too big. This feeling sent me on a highway to every new diet club all through my teens, twenties, thirties and early forties. Unislim,Weight Watchers, Atkins diet, slimming world, sheer starvation diet, you name it I tried it.
For anyone who has never attended a slimming or diet club meeting it is (now looking back with open eyes) it is a sight to behold. You have got the over-enthusiastic ‘leader’ or ‘consultant’, (note language used) chatting animatedly to the die-hard dieters who are her cash cows. The new people sitting either on their own or in groups of two (if you’ve brought along someone as moral support) and the line of hungry women wearing leggings vest tops patiently waiting to be weighed. I describe their clothes because you always wear the lightest clothes possible to be weighed in for the best possible result!
The helpers (cleverly called the social team, again note the language used) take the money, update your weight and either celebrate or commiserate with you depending on the number on the scales.
When everyone has been weighed, you’re encouraged to sit in on the meeting and mingle and interact with fellow members who at this point have stocked up on all the available “merch ” and are happily munching on breakfast and deciding what takeaway to get to celebrate their loss or crying into their overnight oats vowing to do better next week.
Next, the meeting begins with celebrating the collective loss of all members. Then a chat about the topic of the week (Christmas or Halloween for example and how you were going to navigate your way through the foodie minefield), a possible grilling to see where you must have made balls up along the way to have gained a lb or lbs and finish up by you setting an impossible target weight loss at the end of the class. Off you go again, a little bit more broken than you were when you arrived an hour ago.
I have realised over the years that it doesn’t necessarily matter what name is over the door as most of these “regimes” are a tried and tested format. Designed to reel you in, promises you (subliminally at least) the chance of a new shiny happy life when you reach a certain size or shape.
Unfortunately, I learned all this the hard way. After yoyo’ing up and down the 3 stone ladder, every time I felt a lot more battered and bruised mentally as the lbs inevitably increased.
‘Fat me’ would then look back at pictures of ‘skinny me’ and I would crucify myself even more for failing or at the time not appreciating being In the smaller jeans size! But how could I appreciate it when according to these “clubs” I couldn’t successfully reach and stay at target!!!
Always diliked how I looked, never feeling good about myself. Never feeling confident. So many missed nights out because I thought I looked so awful nobody would miss me or want me there anyway.
Then, I would embark on a new ‘diet’ to be consumed about what I could or couldn’t eat. Everyone complimented me on how great I looked but inside I was feeling like a fraud. Ironing my size 10/12 jeans and dresses and holding them up think how do I fit into these! Equally, I did the same when the sizes went up and I could not believe I was that big!!!
I once remember thinking Jeez, it would be easier to be an alcoholic. Alcoholics can go to AA, get support and just vow to never again drink alcohol! But when food is the ‘problem’, (because diet culture taught me that it was the food and my complete lack of willpower was the problem!) there was no real help available AND you still had to eat food MULTIPLE times a day!
What I didn’t know then was, that my weight was driven by a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Followed up by massive grief and overwhelm. Because of all these contributing factors, just depriving myself of food was never going to ‘fix’ the problems. I needed lots of healing, lots of compassion. I needed to learn how to identify stress and how to cope with stress and overwhelm. I needed space to learn who I am and be just me. I went back to college and studied nutrition and lifestyle coaching. I discovered how to fuel your body FOR ME, not the 30 other women in the same room the biggest breakthrough was our worth isn’t a reflection of the number on the scales.
It’s only when I stopped to think about this time that I realised what a ridiculous rollercoaster I was on and also what a complete waste of fucking time! That’s how GloMamma was conceived.
I wanted to create a safe space for the emotionally battered women who finally realise that these “clubs” are very much a temporary measure. You will get the quick fix but they don’t ever touch on the reason why you are there in the first place. It is not about the food. The food is only a contributing factor. I help women find their confidence and help them to rebuild their self-esteem after years of dieting. I help them to realise that they are worthy. I help to educate them on how the food they choose impacts their health mentally and physically. I help them get off the scales.
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