Written by Keith Russell
Ambition, Dreams, Hope and Discovery
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood has made me look back at my life through a completely different lens. For years, I’ve questioned my motivation, my abilities and why I sometimes struggle to turn ambition into action. Now, I’m beginning to understand that perhaps I’ve been judging myself without having all the information.
Sometimes, an Answer Changes Everything
I wasn’t expecting this particular chapter of my life to begin with an ADHD diagnosis. But here I am, in my mid-forties, having recently been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
It’s still very new. I’m processing the news, trying to understand what it means and, if I’m honest, looking back at quite a lot of my life with a mixture of emotions like relief. Sadness. Frustration. Curiosity. And, surprisingly, optimism.
I’ve spent the last few years talking openly about my mental health and body image. I’ve shared my experiences of anxiety, depression and body dysmorphic disorder. I’ve tried to encourage others to be more open about their struggles, challenge stigma and understand that we’re not alone in what we experience, especially men.
But this diagnosis has made me realise there’s another part of my own story that I haven’t fully understood until now.
The Feeling That You’re Never Quite Reaching Your Potential
One of the things I’ve struggled with throughout my life is the feeling that I’m capable of so much more than I feel Ive achieved.
I’ve always had ideas. Lots of them.
I’m creative, ambitious and often get incredibly excited about new projects or opportunities. I can spend hours thinking about an idea, imagining what it could become and planning how I’d bring it to life.
But sometimes it can be a very different story when it comes to actually executing those ideas. Getting started can be difficult. Staying focused can be difficult. Maintaining momentum and seeing something through to completion can feel like an entirely different challenge.
And when that happens, the self-criticism starts. Why can’t I just get on with it? Why do I keep putting things off? Why can I be so enthusiastic about something one day and struggle to find the motivation the next? Why do I seem to make things so much harder for myself?
For years, I’ve interpreted these experiences as personal shortcomings. I’ve questioned my discipline, my motivation and even my intelligence. I’ve often felt that other people seem to manage the ordinary things in life so much more easily than I do.
And that can be a lonely feeling.
Looking Back at the Younger Me
One of the most emotional parts of receiving this diagnosis has been thinking about my childhood and school years.
I struggled with concentration. I daydreamed. I found it difficult to retain information and often left assignments and responsibilities until the last minute. I knew I was capable of doing better, but I couldn’t always translate that capability into results.
I was also particularly sensitive to criticism and rejection. I could overthink conversations, take things personally and spend far too much time replaying situations in my head. Looking back, I can recognise so many experiences that now make me want to understand ADHD more deeply.
I wonder how different some things might have been if I’d understood this earlier. Would I have approached education differently? Would I have been kinder to myself? Would I have pursued certain opportunities with more confidence? Would I have stopped believing that I was somehow less capable than other people?
I can’t answer those questions.
And that’s perhaps one of the hardest things about receiving a diagnosis later in life. You can’t go back and give your younger self the understanding or support that might have made things easier. But you can give yourself that understanding now.
When Your Mind Becomes Your Own Worst Enemy: Body Image and Self-Worth
There’s another part of my life that I think is important to include in this blog, and that’s my relationship with my body image.
I’ve lived with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) for more than 20 years. It’s something I’ve spoken about openly, and something that has affected many aspects of my life.
BDD can make you intensely preoccupied with perceived flaws in your appearance. It can influence how you dress, how you interact with other people, your confidence and even your willingness to participate in everyday activities.
For me, it’s been a long and often exhausting journey.
I’ve experienced periods of anxiety, overthinking and negative thought patterns that can be incredibly difficult to switch off. I’ve questioned my appearance, struggled with self-worth and found myself caught in what I often describe as an endless spiral of negative thinking.
I’m not suggesting that ADHD has caused my body dysmorphia. They are separate conditions, and I’m still learning about how they might interact. But trying to understand my ADHD has made me reflect on how my mind works and how I experience the world.
I’ve always struggled with overthinking. My mind can feel incredibly busy, jumping from one thought to another, revisiting conversations, analysing situations and sometimes becoming fixated on things that I find difficult to let go of.
I wonder whether difficulties with attention and emotional regulation have also played a part in some of those experiences. One thing I am beginning to recognise is just how much energy I’ve spent fighting with my own thoughts.
When you combine difficulties with self-esteem, body image, anxiety and the feeling that you’re never quite good enough, it can become an incredibly difficult internal environment to live in. Perhaps one of the most important things I need to learn now is how to be kinder to myself.
Not just about my appearance, but about who I am, what I achieve and how I navigate everyday life. I’ve spent a lot of years measuring myself against expectations, often feeling that I’ve fallen short. Maybe it’s time to start measuring progress differently.
Maybe getting out of bed on a difficult day, completing a task I’ve been putting off or simply being a little kinder to myself should count as achievements too.
Because they matter.
The Weight of Your Own Inner Critic
I think one of the common threads running through many of my experiences, whether it’s my relationship with my body image, my anxiety or my ADHD, is the way I’ve learned to talk to myself.
For a long time, that internal conversation hasn’t been particularly kind.
When you repeatedly struggle with things that other people seem to manage without much difficulty, it’s easy to start believing that the problem is you.
You tell yourself you’re lazy. You convince yourself you’re not disciplined enough. You question whether you’re intelligent enough or capable enough.
And eventually, those thoughts can become part of how you see yourself. I’ve experienced that feeling of knowing what I want from life but struggling to make the progress I’d hoped for.
Instead of immediately asking myself what’s wrong with me, I’m beginning to ask what might be making certain things difficult and what support I need to manage them differently.
That might sound like a small change, but I think it’s quite significant.
It’s Never Too Late to Understand Yourself
I’m still at the beginning of this journey.
I don’t yet know exactly which medication will be suggested (if any) and nothing has been decided, yet. I have a lot to learn about the condition, the treatment options and the practical strategies that might help me.
I’m also aware that ADHD doesn’t explain every difficulty I’ve experienced. But it may help me understand some longstanding patterns that I’ve struggled to make sense of.
I want to learn how to manage my time better, approach tasks differently, improve my organisation and stop allowing everyday responsibilities to become overwhelming.
Most importantly, I want to work on my relationship with myself.
I don’t want every unfinished project to become another reason to criticise myself. I don’t want to spend the next ten years feeling guilty about the previous ten. And I don’t want to abandon ambitions simply because I’ve struggled to find a way to manage them.
I want to learn to work with my mind rather than constantly fighting against it.
A Different Chapter, Not a Different Person
I think one of the biggest things I’m taking away from this experience is that understanding yourself can change the way you see your past.
For a long time, I’ve felt that I’ve somehow fallen short of the person I thought I should be. But perhaps I’ve spent too many years comparing myself with people who don’t experience the world in quite the same way I do.
I can’t change the past. I can’t revisit the opportunities I feel I didn’t take advantage of or the years I spent questioning myself.
But I can change how I approach the future. And perhaps that’s where I need to start.
Not with enormous promises, unrealistic expectations or another long list of things I need to achieve. Just with a little more understanding, a little more patience and a willingness to give myself the same compassion I’d encourage somebody else to show themselves.
If you’re reading this and you’ve recently received an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood, perhaps some of my experiences will sound familiar.
Maybe you’ve spent years wondering why you struggle with things that seem straightforward to other people. Maybe you have endless ideas but struggle to bring them to life. Maybe you’ve spent far too long believing you’re lazy, unmotivated or not good enough.
If so, I hope you know that you’re not alone. A diagnosis doesn’t erase your past, and it doesn’t mean everything will suddenly become easy.
But it can give you a starting point. And sometimes, understanding yourself a little better is the beginning of something quite life-changing. I may wish I’d understood this sooner, but I’m beginning to realise that it’s not too late to do things differently.
Here’s to a different headspace, a little more self-compassion and, hopefully, a different future.
ADHD and Mental Health: Useful Resources and Support
If anything in this blog resonates with you, or you’re looking for more information about ADHD, mental health or body image, there are organisations and resources that may help.
I’ve included some Irish organisations and services that provide information, guidance and support.
ADHD Information and Support
A national organisation providing information, resources, educational programmes and support groups for adults and young people with ADHD, as well as families and carers.
ADHD Ireland – Resources for Adults
Information specifically for adults, including support groups and useful resources for navigating life with ADHD.
A free educational and self-care app developed through a partnership involving the HSE’s National Clinical Programme for ADHD in Adults, ADHD Ireland and UCD. It includes information about ADHD, treatment options, everyday challenges and practical strategies.
UMAAP – Understanding and Managing Adult ADHD Programme
An educational programme for adults with ADHD. It offers information, practical exercises and opportunities to connect with other adults who have similar experiences.
Bodywhys – The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland
Provides information, support and services for people affected by eating disorders, as well as their families and friends.
Provides support for people experiencing suicidal thoughts, self-harm or bereavement through suicide.
Phone: 1800 247 247.
Offers confidential, non-judgemental emotional support, day or night.
Freephone: 116 123.
A free, 24-hour text-based support service. Text HELLO to 50808 to speak with a trained volunteer.
If you are in immediate danger or feel you may harm yourself or someone else, contact emergency services on 112 or 999, or attend your nearest emergency department.
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